We all live in a world in which we interact with our family, friends, neighbors, and community, at large. When we interact with others, we form opinions, judgments and biases towards others based upon our experiences with whom we are interacting. It is an automatic process but sometimes it can hinder relationships and the quality of relationships too. When we pass value judgments, we begin to perceive people in the light of our subjective perception, and judgment we have formed. So everything else gets filtered out and we base our conclusion according to the judgment we have formed about the person. For example, if you feel that the person is self centered, then no matter what he or she says or does, you perceive the person as self centered. Then it will stir anger in you and you will find a reason to blame the person. As soon as the person gets the blame, he or she becomes guarded, and defensive. Then the game of verbal attacks start and it becomes a no win situation. This kind of pattern can back fire and destroy the quality of relationship.
There are some people who thrive on finding faults in others. Sometimes it is because the person has been manipulated, tricked and taken advantage of when she or he was trusting. Now the person has become defensive and wants to prevent himself or herself from getting hurt.
What happens is that we assume the identity of the judge as it serves some purpose in life. We become competitive and see others as opponents. By finding faults in others, we tend to elevate ourselves, massage our false sense of ego,bolster our self esteem and believe that we have the capacity to handle every situation and feel superior. However, we do not realize that when we judge others, we also take a risk of being judged in the process. Whatever we see in others, we simultaneously see in ourselves.
By judging the person we also create distance from others. We eliminate a basic sense of goodwill, friendliness, and harmony. It is us against them. We automatically turn people in opponents and competitors and in our mind, we have the need to win every encounter with them. We begin to derive pleasure from tearing others down and belittling them. Sometimes our act of judging others is aggressive. A way of expressing disdain and berating others becomes a habit.
It appears that at the unconscious level, we are building ourselves up by such behaviors, actually the reverse is true. When we judge others, we place ourselves in an unsafe position in our relationships.
When we engage in such behaviors and become judgmental, it takes a toll upon us in many ways. We could never let our guard down and live with a sense of fundamental anxiety and threat. The reality is that we feel that the threat comes from others but in fact we ourselves are a threat. It is said that what we see in others is a projection of how we perceive ourselves. Famous writer Deepak Chopra believes that relationships are a way of looking into the mirror. What we judge or focus in others are all reflections of who we are as well.
When we judge others, there is a big role that our perception plays. It is a selective process which determines not only the people we attract in our lives but the way the relationships will go. What we see in others we actually bring out in them. What happens is that we send subliminal message to the person about how we want to be. What we focus upon tends to increase. When we discuss and dwell upon the shortcomings of others, they will intensify in your life.
The habit of judging others can back fire on the person who is perceiving as well. By magnifying the faults of others, paranoia can develop easily. The person begins to believe that the world is filled with enemies who are out there to get him or her. When we demonstrate such paranoia, we become enemies of others. By judging others and seeing the worst in them, they are prevented from realizing the basic fact that it is they who are putting these dark impressions forward and living their lives on the basis of them.
Racism, cultural biases, tendency to do discrimination based on color, race, and ethnicity are also the outcome of passing judgments without being objective. We feel safer with those we feel similar to, as if we automatically understand them and are standing on the same ground. As soon as we see individuals who look different, dress speak or think differently from us, the automatic process of judgment begins to play a role and puts up walls and barriers. This can create prejudice, racism and all kinds of persecution. When we exclude others from our hearts like this, we cut off excellent possibilities of encounter, growth, and love.
So it is important not to judge others if you do not want to be judged by others. When we judge others, we become susceptible to be judged ourselves. We become sensitive, defensive and restricted in how we express who we really are and fail to communicate appropriately and adequately. We begin to believe that others are judging us just like we are judging them. This false assumption can diminish the happiness and well being of the person. This leads to deterioration in the quality of the relationship that the person has with others. If we always walk on egg shells and fear that we are being judged, our normalcy and spontaneity of communication will diminish. We will become repressed and lose our spontaneity and this can lead to health hazards.
When we fail to express ourselves, we soon lose touch with what’s going on within and can easily become strangers to ourselves as well. This will also create thicker walls between the boundaries of two persons.
So it is important to judge everyone favorably. The first step is to become aware of the tendency to be judgmental then find something positive about the person immediately. There is something good in all of us and we cannot allow ourselves to be oblivious of that. Once you have identified the good qualities of the person, the next step is to acknowledge it to the person. Let the person be aware of their assets and strengths. It might take some practice but it will begin to happen once you start making efforts.
Then the next step is to take time to let this sink in with the other person and with yourself. Allow yourself to notice the changes and impact you are having in the other person. If they feel grateful to you for the changes, take the compliment and accept it. You will realize the enormous effect your inner and outer judgments have, not only on others but also on yourself.
Finally, it is also important to judge yourself favorably. People who are judging others as harsh, are also harsh on themselves. This could be a subtle and indirect process but it has effects on our lives. So it is important to list your positive qualities as well. Sometimes it is a good idea to keep a journal of praise and start listing the goodness of others, situations and events. The practice of accentuating your positives will become conscious and the more you do it, the more you will do it for others as well. Then try to read the journal once a week. Try to internalize it and train your mind to refocus on the assets of others.
In this way we see that we can really change the way we perceive others by making a conscious effort to filter out the negative and accentuating the positive aspects of others. This practice will improve the quality of relationship with others and remove the barriers caused by being judgmental in our perceptions. Writer has written a blog post on how to reduce anger by becoming non judgmental. Hypnosis can help reduce anger and negative perceptions of others.
Please visit our Blossom Hypnotherapy page to learn how hypnosis can help reduce symptoms of Anxiety disorders.
Reference: The Anger Diet by Brenda Shoshanna, Ph.D
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