The concept of codependency has been used for several decades by mental health professionals to understand personal relationships and inform their practices. While it’s a complex and somewhat contested concept, a study that evaluated the experiences of self-identified codependents found four main themes across their subjective experiences—a lack of sense of self, emotional and occupational imbalance, a sense of abandonment and control in childhood, and the real and tangible feeling of codependency itself.

On the healthy flipside is interdependency—where both partners are valued as individuals without any one partner basing their sense of self on the other. In this post, we’re going to breakdown codependency and interdependency. So, let’s get right into it.

Understanding Codependency

In the study mentioned above, every participant revealed their lived experience of codependency as something that felt very real and tangible to them, forming a central feature of their lives. When each of them discovered the concept, it seemed to provide a singular explanation for their social and emotional struggles.

For them, codependency is characterized by:

• A chameleon-self, who blends in: All participants experienced enduring difficulties with self-concept. They all struggled to define and locate a clear sense of self.
• Loss of control and seesawing between extremes: All participants found it difficult to live a balanced existence. Their difficulties with a self-definition caused continuing emotional and occupational unmanageability.
• Relating it to childhood experiences: All participants could trace back their current codependent lived experiences to their negative childhood experiences—being raised in excessively controlled home environments, as well as the absence of a physically and/or emotionally absent parental figure.

Healthy Relationships: Interdependency

In contrast to codependency, interdependency is not about needing your partner but rather about choosing them every day. It values your emotional intimacy without causing you to lose your sense of self. Instead, you maintain a strong sense of self.

Partners in interdependent relationships do the following:

• Create healthy boundaries
• Communicate clearly
• Listen actively
• Take responsibility for their actions and emotions
• Create time for personal interests
• Create a safe space for each other to allow vulnerability
• Engage and respond to each other
• Have approachable and open body language
• Aren’t afraid to say “no”
• Don’t keep parts of themselves hidden in order to please their partner

Rekha Shrivastava is a certified rehabilitation counselor and hypnotist specializing in subconscious mind healing techniques. We offer hypnosis sessions to tackle personal problems, depression, ADHD, anxiety, and phobia.

We are based in Rochester, NY and offer a free consultation in-person for locals and via Skype for clients based elsewhere.